Dear Absent Parent,

We all have stories where we know someone or have a parent ourselves who is absent from our lives. Meaning, the child may have suffered from emotional, physical, or mental abuse, the child may have suffered from abandonment, or the parent suffers from a drug and/or alcohol addictions-there are many, many more reasons for this matter. When I was 12 years old, my mother remarried a Cocaine addict. She explained to me later on that he had fell into the addiction after his father passed away, but that he had gone through a rehabilitation center and has not used since. They met online, and what attracted her to him was the fact that he apparently “made six figures and loved children.” They got married shortly after and she was in her own world with her new husband.

However, while she was pregnant with their second child, it became known to the family that he had relapsed, and fell into the addiction again. I was angry more than anything, that my mother allowed a man to bring potential harm to her children, and then was fuming when she told me that she would not leave him. The worst two years of my life occurred after that. The things I saw while he was under the influence of Cocaine was scary, dangerous, and maddening. The closer my mother and her husband got, the farther apart I wanted to be from my mother. There were times I feared for my life, locked myself in my closet and cried to God to help us and help us find peace and happiness. One morning, my little brother ended up being the hero and telling his school social worker what had been going on in the home, and my father was immediately notified. He, along with my step-mother who I now consider my mom, and my big brother who is now one of my biggest protectors, were our heroes and immediately saved us and took us in.

I, along with two of my brothers, were the lucky ones who got a second chance at life. We had been evicted from five or six homes at that point in time, and they were empty million dollar homes. But when I got to MY home, for the first time, it finally felt right. I finally felt safe, and at peace. Some of you may not believe in a higher power and that is totally and completely okay, but my higher power answered my prayers. We got to attend an amazing school, I made lifelong friends, we got a whole other set of wonderful grandparents, an amazing aunt and uncle and crazy awesome cousins.

Life was really, really great for the first time in a very long time. But all of a sudden I wasn’t thinking about my mother anymore. Literally months would go by and I would forget she existed. She has missed everything in my life. All of my High school proms, my first kiss, my first heartbreak, my high school graduation. Everything. She would try to call me on my birthday for a couple of years, but it would turn into us fighting and I would end up crying…(and it wasn’t because I wanted to). So I made the decision to do what was better for me and to cut her out of my life. Completely. As I have gone through my social work classes I think, “How can I resolve this anger inside?” “How can I get closure, without building a relationship with her?” “I can’t be the only child who feels this way, right?” All I know for certain is I can’t continue to live life with this unresolved issue with a human who gave birth to me and at the same time, it is not healthy or safe to be in a relationship with her.

I have thought about writing her a letter, to see what she would say, to see what she would think. If she would actually put my feelings or my needs before hers. It has never happened before, so it is really hard telling. I think this would be a rough sketch of what I would say (and maybe those of you who can relate may think too):

Dear Absent Parent:

It has been many years since we have last spoken, and you have missed out on so much. I could go on and on about the amazing support system I have, a great boyfriend whom I live with, and all the goals I have accomplished and will accomplish soon. My life has been really great the past few years; but I am angry. I am angry that you chose another human being over your own children. I am angry that you have always put yourself first before anyone else. I am angry that you do not admit fault for your actions; and that you put blame onto others instead. I am angry that I am projecting these issues onto current relationships because I am in need of resolving these feelings with you but want nothing to do with you at the same time. Then I am angry that this probably fuels you and gives you more power. I am okay, my heart is full. But my anger towards you is still there. I am terrified to be anything like you..in fear that I may hurt others the way you have hurt me and my family. You need to take a step back, and resolve your issues as well. Stop pushing it to the side and bring it to the surface for once. APOLOGIZE for the things you have done wrong. When you have read this over, and are ready to talk in a manner where you are unselfish and ready to take responsibility for your actions; I want to gain closure so I can move on with my life.

woof, that was heavy. But I thought this was important to share to connect with those who can relate and help those who are wanting to help their friends with their hard situations as well.

Feel free to comment below on your feelings of this post, I would love to know your thoughts.

xoxo,

Carissa